Does that morning ritual at the mirror make you cringe a little bit? We’re living in a youth-driven, beauty-obsessed culture that tells us “if you’re old, you’re useless.” If you’ve been feeling a little dumpy, frumpy and obsessing about getting older, that’s probably why. Coming face to face with wrinkles, lines, dark spots and undereye bags is a truly humbling experience. If you’re not in a resourceful frame of mind, spending time in front of the mirror, looking for signs of aging, can lead you down a slippery slope right into depression.
If you can relate to this mirror misery, you’re not alone. According to the Daily Mail, an online UK publication, back in 2011, a survey study was done on 1200 women to measure their level of body confidence. It reflected that 90% of the women in their 40’s and 50’s are are so unhappy with the way they look that they suffer from ‘mid-life mirror angst syndrome’ Being so uncomfortable around looking in the mirror, most of the older women avoided it altogether. These findings were published in the Invisible Women Study, commissioned by online fashion retailer isme.com.
Reading the article made me feel so sad and I had to speak about this and make some noise, adding my voice to this discussion. I wanted to do this as a 54 year old woman who knows what it’s like to suffer from crippling body shame and insecurities. For years, no matter what weight or size I was, I remained at war with my body. One day it became crystal clear that my body was never the problem, but hating myself was.
My book, “Lovin’ the Skin You’re In” represents a 6 year journey of self-discovery that led me to recognize the power of self-love. During that time I interviewed many women and pioneers in the size acceptance movement. Adapting their attitudes and beliefs transformed my relationship with my body. I’d like to share what I’ve learned from them to help you discover a new level of confidence too.
Maybe like me, you can relate to having some tough experiences in your past. Maybe you picked up the subtle hint that something about you was wrong, or could be better. Whether that message was delivered as a direct hit with straight up sarcasm and criticism or a more subtle type of hurt, that’s still hurting, I have great news for you.
I’m proof positive that you can makeover a negative self-image. For years I had a very low self-image. I spoke to myself disrespectfully all the time. Whether I was putting myself down and calling myself “Stupid” or berating myself by saying, “I hate you, you fat pig.”I didn’t realize how much harm I was doing to myself. Do you do that? Do you call yourself names and put yourself down? You probably learned to be tough on yourself because someone else was hard on you. We tend to repeat the behaviors of the people in our lives who have been the most influential. For the good and the bad. Maybe you noticed this in you, but you’ve been thinking that it’s harmless. Just a little tough love. Right? Wrong. It’s not love at all. The truth is talking to yourself in a mean and disrespectful way will only make you feel worse. And if you’re okay with treating yourself like crap, other people will pick up on your energy and treat you that way too. It’s a bad scene.
I’m excited to teach you that when you see yourself and your experiences in a more compassionate light, you will recognize that you are lovable and deserving. You may not have been able to claim that earlier, but as an adult, it’s yours now. You may not have gotten the nurturing that you wanted as a kid, but now you can learn to be your own nurturer. Taking responsibility for caring for yourself with love and respect, you will feel confident setting boundaries in your life, letting go of people and relationships that hurt and continually make the choice to be your own best friend.
Here are 6 tips that will enable you to reclaim your power and get out from under your mirror misery:
1. Mourn your losses. As we age, our thoughts lead us to thinking about our own mortality and all the time and opportunities we lost. It’s daunting to realize that nearly half of your life is over. but in order to move past the ‘feeling sorry’ for yourself thinking, you have to face how you’re feeling. Looking into the mirror and thinking that you’re fat, old, ugly or any other negative thing is really just a smokescreen covering up what’s really upsetting you. At this point, you can’t pretend that you feel fine, when you don’t. Positive thinking will not be strong enough to overturn those thoughts, because the emotional load on your brain is too intense, triggering a ton of stress hormones to flood your body. This surge of stress chemicals is preventing you from thinking clearly because your internal alarm is going off. To neutralize that stress response, you need to dump that emotional load by acknowledging how sad or angry you feel.
2. Tap. Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as EFT or tapping is a powerful stress-relief technique that calms you down by activating your body’s natural relaxation response . Tapping has changed my life and made it possible for me to undo much of the damage of an abusive past. It is my path to peace and my secret ingredient to creating kick butt confidence even when I’m shaking in my shoes. I use it myself on a daily basis and I teach my clients how to use tapping to feel better. It works on the basis of tapping gently on your body’s acupressure points which sends a calming signal to the brain causing a production of feel good chemicals like serotonin and dopamine which relax your muscles at the same time that they calm your thoughts.
3. Don’t tolerate criticism – We get our sense of value and lovableness from our environment. As children we don’t have any say in how people speak to us or how they treat us. But as adults, we can make those decisions for ourselves. We teach people how to treat us, and it’s never too late to change the rules. Always consider your safety first and avoid putting yourself in the line of fire of a physically abusive person. Feelings of shame about your body or your age comes from the way you’ve learned to think about yourself. Many times people are not even aware of the fact that they are saying hurtful things, because they have developed a tolerance to criticism and verbal abuse from their own experiences with their families. Become aware of people in your life who treat you disrespectfully. Sarcasm and criticism is hurtful and you don’t deserve to be abused. Being spoken to in a sarcastic or critical tone is not okay. Give people the benefit of the doubt by taking them aside and speaking to them in a non-threatening and soft tone letting them know that you have decided that you want to be treated with kindness and respect. Ask them specifically for what you want and how you want them to speak to you.
4. You are in control. Your thoughts have power. Depending upon where you choose to point and focus your thoughts, it will either energize or suck the life out of you. If you focus on all the reasons and thoughts that make you feel bad, you will only attract more ‘feeling bad’ into your experience. The chemicals of emotion are all just energy to your system. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just energy. You can transform those negative thoughts and emotions to feel however you want. If you want to feel more confident and even tap into feeling sexy, you’ve got to grieve your losses and face the feelings you have about not feeling sexy and getting older. You have the power of choice. You can choose how you want to feel by changing the thoughts you think. You can choose to embrace this new stage in your life and make it work for you or you can buy into the belief that you’re all washed up. It’s all up to you.
5. Seek out role models of women over 40 who exemplify confidence and body acceptance. My attitudes towards my body changed when I began finding role models of women whose bodies were shaped like mine. If you’re struggling with feeling insecure around aging, look for role models of women who have embraced their ageless beauty. As far as celebrities, Cher, Tina Turner and Oprah are my personal favorites. Notice women in your personal circle who exemplify agelessness. Go online and expand your search to include great YouTube videos. One of my favorite YouTubers is Monique Parent. She is a Hollywood actress who teaches women over 40 how to go from drab to fab. By expanding your awareness of the possibilities and learning how to manage challenges, you’ll feel so much better.
6. Spend more time being happy and find inspiration where you can. Do things that pull you out of thinking about yourself and your problems. Listen to music, volunteer your time, watch movies you love, spend time with close friends.
Every moment of every day is filled with fresh opportunities for you to do with what you want. Obsessing about the image of yourself you see in the mirror will only make you feel worse. I get it. I know. I feel your pain. Let me tell you a little story about when I realized that trying to fight the signs of aging was just a waste of time.
About 6 months ago, I first noticed some wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes. They could have been there for 10 years, but I’ve never noticed it before. For several weeks after that, I found myself nervously checking my mirror, spending far too long inspecting myself for signs of aging. Then I started looking for solutions to dark circles, watching videos and paying attention to conversations, looking for answers.
Until one day it became clear to me that this same type of obsessive behavior was just another version and repetition of the body hatred that inhibited me and made me feel ashamed, always wanting to chop off my fat thighs. One day I looked in the mirror, saw those dark circles, and recognized that same old thinking for the obsession it was. Sure I could buy that cream, and follow every shiny ball solution out there, but in the end, I would just be chasing after a dream, wishing I was something I’m not. I’m older, and I’ll never have the younger version of me again. And neither will you.
Our answers are not in fixing our bodies and making external changes that often don’t last. Instead the true answers and our real freedom is in self-acceptance. To get over the feeling of wanting to hide yourself, we have to embrace our imperfections, face this aging thing head on by looking deeply into ourselves, and grieve our losses. For me, it felt like I was climbing a mountain, and that there would be no end to my list of regrets. But now after letting those tears fall, and crying myself a river, I now realize that life is far too short to waste worrying about nonsense. I still love to play dress up and put on makeup, and glam myself up, but it’s not a deal breaker. I can still shine and be my best self with and without makeup. Dark circles, fat thighs and all. My insecurities won’t ever rob me of anymore precious years.
How ’bout you? Can you relate? How do you face your wrinkles and the ravages of time? Want to tap into your inner sassy? Join me next Thursday for Master Your Mirror: Love Your Selfie. My upcoming group coaching call on 11/16. I can’t wait to teach you how to use tapping to bash your old body insecurities. Check out the link and share it with your friends.